Feelings of…..

I’ve been thinking about this blog post, and thinking about this blog post and procrastinating on this blog post.  I think mostly because I don’t know if I’m ready to commit these feelings to paper.  But here it goes.

As much as I’m excited about having the surgery I’m also equally scared about recovery and the long-term unknowns, but  I’m even more terrified of myself.  I’m spending a lot of money on this, I’m going through a lot physically for this.  I am so scared that this will end up being another one of those crazy things I did to lose weight and fail at.  I’ve tried so many different things throughout the years and never stuck with them or had long term success.  It’s kind of crazy because anything else I decide I want, I work for it and get it, but for some reason I can’t do it with weight loss.

When I told my dad and my brother about the surgery they both said basically the same thing, that they were happy for me because they have seen me struggle for so long with my weight.  My mom on the other hand is a little apprehensive.  You know how moms are, they worry.  I think she is happy for me especially since this will help me be healthy, but she’s worried about the surgery and about having the lapband in my body.  But luckily it is reversible and can be removed if needed.

I’m a pretty open person, I definitely don’t have a poker face and I have a hard time NOT laying all my cards on the table.  Since I decided to have this surgery I haven’t really wanted to tell too many people I know about it because I think I’m slightly embarrassed.  I think partly because of the idea of failing again, but also the fact that I’m going this extreme to lose weight because I have failed with everything else.  I know some people will say, you just need to eat right and exercise and that’s it.  I wish it were that simple and for some people it is that simple, but that’s not how it is for everyone.  Some people need something more.  But this is the very reason why I don’t want to tell too many people that I am having or had the surgery.  I don’t want to be judged for the tool I used to lose weight.  I still have to watch my portions and make healthy choices and exercise just like anyone else that is trying to have long-term weight loss success.  This is something that I struggle with.  I decided for now I will tell people close to me…. Oh and anyone reading this blog lol, and then I will decide as time goes on if I tell people or not.  Originally I wasn’t even going to tell my manager at work, I was just going to “call in sick” for two days, but I did decide to tell him, although I didn’t give him any details, I just told him that I was having a minor procedure to help my weight loss.

So there you have it, I am going to work hard and make this time the last time and make it successful.  I will go back and re-read this blog and especially why I’m doing this anytime I feel like giving up.


One thought on “Feelings of…..

  1. I’m excited for you and I know how hard you have tried..I am excited to hear about this next journey and hope it passes on some motivation to me. You inspire me and you always have..I never saw you fail at anything I saw your hard work and dedication threw it all and that has always inspired me..luv u!!


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