In 2006, I got a new job that required me to move from Oregon to Arizona. I picked up my boys and all of our stuff and we moved. It was so scary, but we did it. We didn’t know anyone and didn’t have any family in Arizona, so it was just the 3 of us. Within 3 months of moving there, things didn’t work out with the job and I found myself unemployed. I was terrified. I just moved my kids here away from my family and support system and now I have no job to even take care of them. You would think that I would have gained even more weight, but instead I took advantage of being unemployed and I started exercising every day. I would typically walk for an hour or two and then I would come home and do a home strength training routine. I tracked everything I ate on Sparkpeople. I was doing such a great job. I lost over 20 pounds in about 3 months, but then I had to get back to work. That didn’t leave a ton of time for exercise, but I was still able to maintain. During that time I also met the man that was going to be my husband. Things moved kind of fast with us and we were engaged a couple months after we started dating. So that meant I had a wedding dress that I had to look hot in! I had about a year and a half to get to my goal. What was my goal? Well, since I’ve never actually been at a healthy, comfortable weight as an adult, I set my goal for 140-150 and then see how I feel at that point. A year and a half to lose 70 pounds is definitely a reasonable goal. Guess how close I got………. I weighed 205 on my wedding day. Yep, I only lost 15 pounds in a year and a half. But I still felt like a beautiful bride and it was one of the happiest days of my life.
In 2009 I started hearing about HcG and decided I wanted to try it. I did it through a weight loss clinic and they provided the injectable version of it instead of the sublingual. I did awesome on it. I did two 6 weeks rounds. Each time I lost 25 pounds. I was down to 178 when I stopped. I looked awesome. I felt awesome! One of the things I have always wanted is to be able to run, just lace up my shoes and go out for a run, and I was doing it. I was running 4 miles straight every other day. It was amazing! But I had a really hard time with maintenance. I slid back into old eating habits and I was back up hovering around 200 within 4 months. During that time we decided we wanted to have a baby, and within 3 months, I was pregnant.
My starting weight was 207 when I got pregnant and guess how much I gained with this little guy…. 75 pounds. I guess that’s my magic number. The day I went to have him I was 282 pounds and miserable. I didn’t understand how anyone could ever let themselves get that overweight without an excuse like a tiny human inside them. I was so miserable, hot all the time, slow, it was hard to breath – it felt like it just took so much effort to take a deep breath, my feet and ankles hurt if I was on them too long, I couldn’t get comfortable to sleep…. It was awful!
After I had the kiddo it took 2 years but I lost the 75 I gained with him. First kid I actually lost all the baby weight. But in the last two years I have gained it almost all back. Today I’m devastated to say that I weigh 258.8 pounds and I don’t the excuse of a tiny human on board. What is really weird, just the extra 8 pounds has made me absolutely miserable physically. At 250 I won’t say I was happy, but physically I didn’t feel like I do now. It is exhausting just to move. All my clothes feel so restrictive. I measured myself today and noticed the huge flap of skin I have developed around my tummy. No wonder my hipster underwear won’t stay where they are supposed to.
This last week I have had so many self defeating thoughts. I travel a lot for work and flying right now really sucks. The seatbelt just barely fits, if I get any bigger I will have to do the embarrassing task of asking for a seatbelt extender. My hips are so wide that the armrest won’t go all the way down once I’m seated, my hips just keep pushing it back up with every move I make. I try so hard to make myself as small as possible. I fly Southwest so you get to choose your seats, I usually board pretty early and grab a window seat, and I notice the last couple trips the other two seats in my row stay empty for a pretty long time. People will pass up that aisle to go to one further back…. The only thing I can imagine is the thought in their head is “I don’t want to sit by the fat girl”. It can’t be comfortable to have your space invaded in the center seat by my huge hips and thighs. I can’t keep going like this.
Why have I failed at all my weight loss attempts? Plain and simple I don’t stick with my healthy eating and exercise plan. I’m such an organized person, when I decide it’s time to get on track AGAIN, I plan it all out, meals, calories, exercise and I track it all. So now why don’t I stick to the plan? There are several reasons/excuses, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl and I want instant gratification… so if I’m gonna do it it has to be both food and exercise, I can’t focus on one without the other and if I work my ass off and don’t see results immediately I get discouraged. That’s one reason, but the biggest is that I am a food…. Sugar and refined carb addict. I can follow a plan to the letter with no cheating for 6 weeks with no problem, then I think I’ve done good so I can have a treat and then get right back on and then since I did ok with that I can do it again and eventually that’s all I’m eating and I’m totally off plan and I can’t get back on. Food is my drug of choice and when I relapse, it’s bad.
Almost 7 months ago I started thinking about the lapband. I started researching it and reading blogs and watching v-blogs of others that have had the surgery and great success. I decided that I want to make that change in my life. I know it’s not a magic bullet, but I think it’s what I need to get to my goal and maintain. It will always be a constant reminder of the journey that I’m on and it will help prevent me from the relapses.
And so it begins…..